Why was I Tortured like this ? What is happening to me ?

Hi ! I Believe that the Self Confidence and Good Refreshing Memories are the Most Important things in one's Life.
When a person is depressed, She/He remembers her/his Past to get through the Difficult Times by Remembering the Good Ones.
I try to do the same thing but Bad Memories keep covering the good ones like Dark Clouds.

So What Destroyed my Self Confidence ?


Lets See :

* Being thrown at Walls, like some useless object.
One Mistake and BAM, lets Play Bowling with this Child.
Nice way to Build up the Confidence of a Child, Right ?


* Seeing my Own skin getting peeled off my Arm.
This Happened when I was making mistakes in lesson again and again 'cause it was late in the Night and I could barely keep my eyes open.
I was beaten with a Wooden Badminton Racket, after quite some beating, Racket got Broken.
But the Beating didn't stop (Broken Racket with Sharp Pieces of Wood sticking out hurts more), until my Skin got peeled off from a couple of spots on my Arm (Right where the Arm Muscle meets the Shoulder one).


* Being beaten with a stick whenever I made a mistake.
So, can't you Endure a little beating ?
Yes ! Of course you can, if you aren't getting hit with full force on your Hands, Arms, Legs and Back.
And how would you like if you also get hit on your Feet too ? Do you know how much it hurts if someone steps over your foot with some Force ?
If so, then Imagine how I would've felt when I was getting hit on my Feet again and again ? And with a lot of force too ?

Oh, And being Poked in the Chest with the Same stick using Excessive Force, Is it an Essential part of Confidence Building too ?
If so, then I must have all the confidence in the world.


* Being Threatened by a Knife just because I couldn't remember my Lesson of the day.
Can you Imagine how a Child would've felt with all that ? Unless you were that Child.

If this wasn't so Bad, A Knife was thrown at me in Anger because I still couldn't Remember my Lesson, Could you ?
Though it was thrown just to threaten me more, I still Wonder Why that Knife Missed ?
If it would've hit me, I could've been Relieved from all of my Problems and Pain.(Or So I Think)



* I was being Locked down in a Dark Store Room, then Lights turned off from the outside.
Would you like to be Locked Down like this ? Is this alright ?


* Being kept outside in the Dark as a Punishment and I was Crying and Wailing to please open the Door but it wouldn't open until after a long time.


I was so Afraid in the years later on, that I couldn't stand up for my Rights.
My Self Confidence was destroyed.
I shook badly whenever I had to talk to people about anything.
Took me many years to Recover up to some extent.



Going Insane ? What is Happening to me ?

In the Summer Season of Year 2008, My Family had to move to another city for some months.
I was all Alone in the House.Things weren't good in general, Electric/Power Failures were just too much.
In the Dead of the Night when there was No Power, I always walked outside of my house with my Walkman Phone or PSP in my Hand (Can't live without Music), despite of the fact that it is Dangerous to walk like this, after 01:00 AM.
If someone tries to grab your stuff and you Resist, you can be killed.

Someone asked me later, Aren't you afraid of being all alone in the house all the Time ?
Watching over a house big enough and so Vulnerable to Robbers isn't a piece of cake, since these walls can easily be climbed and doors can easily be broken.
Was that the sudden burst of courage ? 
No, this is what we call "Going Insane".
I am not Brave, I am Insane.
What is our Ultimate fear ? More or Less, Its the Death.
I don't have this Fear anymore since my Interest in being Alive is very Limited Right now.

Problem is, Nothing bad happens to you when You really want it to.

For Now, I am holding on to a Slight Hope, but for how Longer, that I don't know.
I want to keep Fighting but this isn't easy with 90% of Self Confidence being destroyed in the Childhood.



Why I am not Ending it all ?

Lately, I've thought about Committing the Suicide after about every 15 Minutes.
I even tested Sleeping Pills on me.They don't work in small doses on me.Whenever I am Sleepless, I have to take 3 of them to get some Sleep, 1 Pill simply doesn't work for me.
I can End My Life at anytime with this Non-Messy Method, what is it that is Stopping me from doing that ?
Its a thing called Hope, Its so Little that I can barely Feel it but I am Clinging to it.
Maybe things will be better in the Future (If I'll have any).


Thanks for Bearing with me.

Peace and Love.