Everlasting Sleep ( A Dark Poem by Me)

Hi ! To be Honest, I can't write such things as Poems, or so I thought.
I Fantasized my current situation and my past, words started to form Sentences, Sentences started to form Rhymes.

Everlasting Sleep

Walking in an Endless Desert
Scorched Sand Burns My Feet
Don't know For how long I can carry on
Its making me Suffer, all this Heat


Over a Bottomless Pit of Dark Abyss
Injured, Bleeding, Walking on a Tightrope
Forcing my Eyes Open, I carry on
Following the Faint Light of Hope


Slowly, Fearfully, I Step Forward, Thinking
May Find a Place where I belong
Hoping for a Bliss on the other side
Am I Right or Am I Wrong ?


I am Tired and Weary
Lift me up in the Sky
Wanna Sleep In a place where no one can find me
A Place Among the Clouds, so High

By 25thGuardian.

I am Back, But ..... Is this Really Me ?

Hi ! Latest Events or My Life has messed up everything I've been going after.

I have quite a bit of Imagination in me so let me put it this way, I am Reforming/Redefining myself.

* Remove Feelings about The Only One you ever Loved ........... 40 % Success
   (Not Enough, but better than before)

* Implementing some Dark Behavior ............ 32 % Success

* Active Response System in any case of  Physical / Mental Torture ............. Standby
  --> Active Response System Level ............. Critical

* Anti Emotional Blackmailing Measure .............. Implementing Now
  --> Inserting Blank Emotions .............. 60 % Success

* Forget Many Individuals / Events from Past .............. Searching for Measures
  --> Meeting with a Psychiatrist to get Hypnotic Suggestions to Forget those Individual / Events ............. Scheduled

* Level of Care for Innocents around me ............. Critical

* Get Brute Strength back ................ Scheduled to Process

* Redefining Obedience Level ................ High --> Processing --> Low



This'll make me Aggressive to this Level (I Hope you get the Idea) : 

" God knows I hate to lose my real self but in order to give the good ones around me a chance, I need to do this.

I just hate the Selfish Human Gestures that Makes the Life of others like Hell.

Its Like We Humans(Majority, not All) Never  Learn that Life is much more than doing something for ourselves.

Real Humans Care more about others, than they care about themselves.

The Sorry State we Humans(Majority, not All) are in nowadays, fills me with Disgust.We are Greedy, Selfish, Liars.We Never Appreciate the Love and Care of others, we Take Advantage of it. "



I wonder when will they Learn that if they Bother someone too much, they're gonna put Hatred in someone's Heart and She/He can come back and give them the taste of their own Medicine.
Its like they always dig a hole for themselves but they never Learn.

I just Hope that one day I get my Real Self back, I don't wanna spend my whole Life like this.

Peace and Love for Innocents.

Why They Always Try to Stomp a Fallen One ?

Hi ! My Personal Experience shows that the moments of Joy are very short, for some people.

Yes, I was Highly Motivated but I've been Turned down now.
So Many Consecutive Events in these days have Broken My Back.

From 19-23 September, 2009
I've been facing so many Problems that it is difficult to hold myself together.

Worst of them was something done by a person who was supposed to be the Best One in the whole family(Relatives), which started a chain of Events, that destroyed the Most Beautiful Chapter in My Life.
How can I ever Forgive him for doing that ?

No one wants to dig up in the events of some one's life.
They only Blame Her/Him for the things they see but they never try to look for the reasons that made accused one to do that, maybe the accused one is innocent.

I really don't know what to do, I feel like a person who has been left all alone in the Darkness.
I am Scared, like a Lost Child.

Why aren't we allowed to End it all at once ?
Why can't we simply be Relieved from our Pain once and for all ?

There goes the Light of My Life, I am going after it.

I can't write everything right now but I must add this blog entry.
Among all the dark and gloom in my life lately, there is a little RAY / LIGHT.
And that is gonna keep me going.

I've just found the Purpose of My Life.Its not something, but SOMEONE.

Sorry, But I've gotta go now, Must Study to kill this Exam, not myself.

Love is Such a Powerful thing, It can get you in working order in just a matter of seconds.

Please God, Let me succeed, I don't wanna loose HER before I even get to be with HER.


Didn't I tell you this could Motivate me like a Non-Stop working Robot ?
OK OK, I'll go now.

Ciao.

Why was I Tortured like this ? What is happening to me ?

Hi ! I Believe that the Self Confidence and Good Refreshing Memories are the Most Important things in one's Life.
When a person is depressed, She/He remembers her/his Past to get through the Difficult Times by Remembering the Good Ones.
I try to do the same thing but Bad Memories keep covering the good ones like Dark Clouds.

So What Destroyed my Self Confidence ?


Lets See :

* Being thrown at Walls, like some useless object.
One Mistake and BAM, lets Play Bowling with this Child.
Nice way to Build up the Confidence of a Child, Right ?


* Seeing my Own skin getting peeled off my Arm.
This Happened when I was making mistakes in lesson again and again 'cause it was late in the Night and I could barely keep my eyes open.
I was beaten with a Wooden Badminton Racket, after quite some beating, Racket got Broken.
But the Beating didn't stop (Broken Racket with Sharp Pieces of Wood sticking out hurts more), until my Skin got peeled off from a couple of spots on my Arm (Right where the Arm Muscle meets the Shoulder one).


* Being beaten with a stick whenever I made a mistake.
So, can't you Endure a little beating ?
Yes ! Of course you can, if you aren't getting hit with full force on your Hands, Arms, Legs and Back.
And how would you like if you also get hit on your Feet too ? Do you know how much it hurts if someone steps over your foot with some Force ?
If so, then Imagine how I would've felt when I was getting hit on my Feet again and again ? And with a lot of force too ?

Oh, And being Poked in the Chest with the Same stick using Excessive Force, Is it an Essential part of Confidence Building too ?
If so, then I must have all the confidence in the world.


* Being Threatened by a Knife just because I couldn't remember my Lesson of the day.
Can you Imagine how a Child would've felt with all that ? Unless you were that Child.

If this wasn't so Bad, A Knife was thrown at me in Anger because I still couldn't Remember my Lesson, Could you ?
Though it was thrown just to threaten me more, I still Wonder Why that Knife Missed ?
If it would've hit me, I could've been Relieved from all of my Problems and Pain.(Or So I Think)



* I was being Locked down in a Dark Store Room, then Lights turned off from the outside.
Would you like to be Locked Down like this ? Is this alright ?


* Being kept outside in the Dark as a Punishment and I was Crying and Wailing to please open the Door but it wouldn't open until after a long time.


I was so Afraid in the years later on, that I couldn't stand up for my Rights.
My Self Confidence was destroyed.
I shook badly whenever I had to talk to people about anything.
Took me many years to Recover up to some extent.



Going Insane ? What is Happening to me ?

In the Summer Season of Year 2008, My Family had to move to another city for some months.
I was all Alone in the House.Things weren't good in general, Electric/Power Failures were just too much.
In the Dead of the Night when there was No Power, I always walked outside of my house with my Walkman Phone or PSP in my Hand (Can't live without Music), despite of the fact that it is Dangerous to walk like this, after 01:00 AM.
If someone tries to grab your stuff and you Resist, you can be killed.

Someone asked me later, Aren't you afraid of being all alone in the house all the Time ?
Watching over a house big enough and so Vulnerable to Robbers isn't a piece of cake, since these walls can easily be climbed and doors can easily be broken.
Was that the sudden burst of courage ? 
No, this is what we call "Going Insane".
I am not Brave, I am Insane.
What is our Ultimate fear ? More or Less, Its the Death.
I don't have this Fear anymore since my Interest in being Alive is very Limited Right now.

Problem is, Nothing bad happens to you when You really want it to.

For Now, I am holding on to a Slight Hope, but for how Longer, that I don't know.
I want to keep Fighting but this isn't easy with 90% of Self Confidence being destroyed in the Childhood.



Why I am not Ending it all ?

Lately, I've thought about Committing the Suicide after about every 15 Minutes.
I even tested Sleeping Pills on me.They don't work in small doses on me.Whenever I am Sleepless, I have to take 3 of them to get some Sleep, 1 Pill simply doesn't work for me.
I can End My Life at anytime with this Non-Messy Method, what is it that is Stopping me from doing that ?
Its a thing called Hope, Its so Little that I can barely Feel it but I am Clinging to it.
Maybe things will be better in the Future (If I'll have any).


Thanks for Bearing with me.

Peace and Love.